VERY conflicted today

Our homeschooling journey begins next week-as does my schooling to become a phlebotomist. I will be schooling the girls in Kindergarten with Sonlight curriculum, whihc I love bc its a literature based curriculum and we are big into books. I just bought them a whole bunch of school supplies that I put into plastic bins for each of them (including Caden, who thinks he is doing school as well/I probably will give him schooly things to do while I work with the girls). I set up a room and put some different stuff up on the walls (like a word wall/a question of the week wall, etc). I am really excited about this as is Doug, but just about everyone else in the world is against it. I hear negative stuff about it daily and how I am doing a disservice to my children homeschooling them, that I possibly can't teach them what they need to know (which is ludicrous since I HAVE a degree in early childhood education), that socially I am ruining them, etc. The kids are very well adjusted and smart right now-not sure why everyone thinks I am on a path to ruin them in the next year or two.

On top of that adventure, I have decided to finally start pursuing my nursing degree, which is still FAR away. To do so, I am going to need to get into a hospital (hopefully Mercy) so that I can make some money for school as well as get some valuable experience and be eligible for tuition reimbursement to help me along the way. It would be MUCH easier if I hadn't wasted all my loans on a degree that I don't want to use anymore (will have to post about that later), but I did, so I have to slowly put myself through school again. I signed up for a phlebotomy class that starts in 1 week (having to beg, borrow and plead money from my dad to do so) and hopefully that will help me get on the way to my future dreams of being a nurse. Phlebotomy seems to be a good fit for me and my schedule, since hospital phlebotomists work 24/7 and I could find per diem work for any time I need (preferably 5-9 am). I am so scared though that I am going to fail at it-I am sure I will do fine with the book aspect, but what happens if I can't find veins and all the stuff I need to do clinically? I don't know why I am so darn nervous, but I am.

I am also starting to have fears that I am failing my family doing all this combined. Doesn't help that my dad actually said that to me yesterday. Am I going to ruin everything doing this? We NEED to make some extra money here and I really, really, really, really, REALLY want to get my nursing degree sooner rather than later. Once I get my degree, I can work per diem two days a week and help our money out tremendously, while doing what I have a passion to do! Is it silly for me to think that I can do all that, plus be able to give my kids the few hours a day they would need for homeschooling? For me, the kids HAVE TO come first. I am not willing to fail them, even if it means putting my dreams on hold.

All my friends' kids are starting kindergarten this year and I do feel badly everytime they show a post of their kids smiling proudly on their first day of school. I I have no doubts Kylie would be just as excited. But when looking at the big picture, I don't think Kylie would excel there, since she is just like Doug (ADD). Thats why homeschooling would be WAY more beneficial for her, in that I could tailor her education to meet her needs. But I still do feel a pang of wondering if I am doing the right thing.....all the time actually. I guess its mostly bc I know very few people that homeschool as well. We are trying to get involved in more homeschooling groups, and hopefully that will be a big help to my confidence about the whole thing.

Anyways, see why I am so conflicted? My mind is just so full of thoughts at the moment-hopefully I will have more peace sooner rather than later.