Just some more advice for me to ponder over

Deena says:
becoming more spiritual is for sure the way to find peace but there is one thing you have alittle wrong and that is free will
Deena says:
you think that you have no control and that is wrong. We are all given free will to choose and decide as we may. Everything is NOT pre decided for us, because if it was what would be the point of being here What would we learn what would motivate us to do anything We would all be sitting around just waiting for things to happen, and God helps those who HELP themselves.
Deena says:
What I you are right about though is that you are motivated By jealousy
Deena says:
you are a kind person and a giving person but unfortunately that is what motivates you in feeling unsettled.
Deena says:
Do I think you feel there is another child to come and that is why you have such a strong desire to have one more
Deena says:
I DO
Deena says:
but do I think you will feel satified after one more Maybe not so much I think when you look on large family boards and see someone with 7 kids you will be envious
Deena says:
or 8 or 10 or 17
Deena says:
because that will feel larger and "big family" to you and suddenly 6 won't feel so large or that big of a deal
Deena says:
6 kids is a big deal
Deena says:
it is large
Deena says:
but I think you won't think it if you can't have more because someone else will have more and you will resent that you can't
Deena says:
now if you stopped on your own and it was because you felt done, I don't think you would careless if shannon or any of the other large family mom's had a gazzilion kids
Deena says:
this is what I think you should do, just concentrate on trying to have one more for now and the great things You have in your life, not the things you have no control over (like having twins or having 7 kids or 10) Make a list of the things you want for you and your family. EMPHASIZE ON YOUAnd work towards those goals. You want more kids after you have one more pg, then GO FOR IT there are man
Deena says:
many ways to increase a family. They dont' always have to be through pg. AND I hear adoption is just as addictive as pg . Don't tell yourself you can't have more children. Don't tell yourself you have to just accept ANYTHING. IF your uterus is gone after this next pg so be it. BUT if you still want your super sized family, you can still have it. NEVER SAY NEVER. If there is a will there is a way
Deena says:
now go forth and bd your brains out to get little Alienor (I am changing the name rules and adding an extra letter since the adopted kids will need to feel bonded with the bio kids and might as well begin with Alienor although you can spell Alienor Alinor too that is a real spelling too . HMMM I think I got it Ok well talk later And I hope I made myself clearer You are going to be fine Mel
Deena says:
Melissa (Missy) I am goign to call you Missy from now on you seem more like a Missy to me :)

Another reading for me

My friend who did my reading last May did another reading for me. For some reason, I never get the "happy go lucky readings"! Here it is:

Deena says:
I see a strong marriage that is a journey of a life time
Deena says:
you are the sea he is the captain a soldier the man you rides the sea
Deena says:
you have been searching for inner peace and see a flower at the center of your mind that tells you all
Deena says:
that flower tells you what the secret to happiness is
Deena says:
everything revolves around this flower
Deena says:
I see three males I don't know what this means but I see them twice
Deena says:
three males close in age
Deena says:
and I see you I think they are your sons
Deena says:
I dont know why I see the 3 boys 2 times
Deena says:
but I see them in direct relation to you
Deena says:
attached to you
Deena says:
with you
Deena says:
part of you
Deena says:
a shadow of you
Deena says:
extentions of you
Deena says:
I see one soul
Deena says:
you are reaching for
Deena says:
trying for
Deena says:
reaching up to get
Deena says:
I see you in darkness surrounded your own negativity
Deena says:
mourning
Deena says:
being negative
Deena says:
dark
Deena says:
you are darkening your soul
Deena says:
I see hands again reaching high trying to get many but there is one who looks like you that is closesta gain one that is reaching back the one who you hope witll give you peace
Deena says:
only one
Deena says:
not two
Deena says:
I feel you will be terrified when this soul comes
Deena says:
it is something you havent' really thought threw
Deena says:
something that is frightening
Deena says:
something you should have held back with
Deena says:
fear
Deena says:
trying to hold back
Deena says:
push back
Deena says:
soemthing with worry
Deena says:
constant hands reachiing up constant hands pushing forward
Deena says:
You are will be ok. baby is a girl
Deena says:
Alinor Alioner
Deena says:
I have to find the right spelling for it
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
Eleanor was 's gram
Deena says:
that is the name I keep getting
Deena says:
Eleanor but with an A
Deena says:
I have to find the orginal spelling of Eleanor because it is with an A
Deena says:
unfortunately this wont' give you peace
Deena says:
you have to dig inside yourself
Deena says:
because this wont' give you peace
Deena says:
but I think it is your last
Deena says:
I dont' think you will have a choice
Deena says:
be careful
Deena says:
haha you are going to call her Nora for short
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
i don't know what to say....
Deena says:
I don't see anything about your house
Deena says:
I didn't do the 12 card thing I ust asked specific if you would be pg
Deena says:
I am not sure when it will be
Deena says:
how many months have you officially been ttc
Deena says:
officially I mean purposefully
Deena says:
cause I can give you a better idea
Deena says:
and tell you when I think it iwill be
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
haven't really prevented since twins birth except a few times hwen I was scared....but I guess since I got af and purposely doing it....about 5 cycles....
Deena says:
ok 5 more months
Deena says:
10th month will be the month
Deena says:
but of course I can be off
Deena says:
but this won't give you peace
Deena says:
that is something you need to find within yourself
Deena says:
this is just an obstical you think will give you peace
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
thats what the psychic told doug last year october 19th or 20th, we would get news...of course, I figured that was last year
Deena says:
Alionor
Deena says:
Alionor is the name
Deena says:
no problem
Deena says:
but there is seomthing with the three s boys but I am not seeing all what it is
Deena says:
somethingm in your shadow
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
something or bad?
Deena says:
something stressful
Deena says:
I am not sure what though
Deena says:
you need to foucse something on them
Deena says:
they are going to be on your mind alot
Deena says:
through adulthood
Deena says:
tehy will look alot like Doug when they are men
Deena says:
Alienor that is the more right spelling
Deena says:
her coming isn't about you actually
Deena says:
it is just a way of getting her here
Deena says:
you will have to deal with your own issues of peace later
Deena says:
after you have dealt with the struggle of her pg
Deena says:
to get her here safely
Deena says:
that will be your focuse
Deena says:
focus till she is born
Deena says:
once she is born (I dont' think ou will still have your uterus :( ) I think you will have to deal with other issues
Deena says:
but remember don't READ EVERYTHING INTO THIS
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
can I change things up and find peace later if I work through things now??
Deena says:
YES
Deena says:
but that is YOUR journey
Deena says:
you just "think" it is to have one more because SHE needs to get here
Deena says:
but that is not the journey for you to peace
Deena says:
but I am not 100% on the hysteroctomy
Deena says:
just a feeling
Deena says:
you feel there will be oone more child so there might be a #7 one day
Deena says:
I do think there is one more
Deena says:
a girl
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
maybe adopted?
Deena says:
Alienor
Deena says:
although she doesnt' have 5 letters
Deena says:
that is your journey
Deena says:
right now I only see this
Deena says:
and that is all I am being told
Deena says:
no more
Deena says:
thre are alot of dark things surrounding you
Deena says:
things that have nothing to do with pg
Deena says:
things that you hide from and use another to comfort you with
Deena says:
there is something that weighs you down that you think is having another but it is more
Deena says:
something darker
Deena says:
but yeah there is one more who si suppose to be here
Deena says:
I am not sure about a 7th because I dont' see it
Deena says:
doesn't mean that there isn't one
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
i wonder what the darker things are.....
Deena says:
your thoughts
Deena says:
they weigh you down
Deena says:
make life heavy
Deena says:
too many of them that are negative
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
so would you use hte clomid right away, or should I take a few months off of ttc and try to work on other things in my life (like especially losing more weight to make for a safer delivery)
Deena says:
NOOO use it right away
Deena says:
you waiting isn't going to change anything
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
when you say "something you should have held back with" I really shouldn't be doing any of this at all??
Deena says:
you honestly will have to work through that later
Deena says:
just your thoughts
Deena says:
your fears
Deena says:
that is going through your head
Deena says:
your thoughts your fears your anxiety
Deena says:
you it is all you
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
so basically its going to be a tough journey and it won't bring me what I am loing for, but it will bring me a little girl (that I do desperately want)
Deena says:
no you will get what you are looking for (a daughter) but it won't be enough
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
but I won't "feel done"
Deena says:
but you wont' know that until after she is born and you want more
Deena says:
you will think it is that
Deena says:
but it is something more
Deena says:
I think it will be because it is taken away from you n
Deena says:
the ablity to have more
Deena says:
it will alwyas be something until you deal with your own issues
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
why can't I just be a normal person that only w 2 kids its so damn frustruating bc I worry I will never feel done...
Deena says:
I wasn't a normal person
Deena says:
that it keeps darkening around you
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
I know
Deena says:
is this negativity
Deena says:
this searching for answers and wanting confirmation
Deena says:
and the answer is you have to find it in yourself
Deena says:
but you will think she is the thing to bring peace and for awhile she will
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
adn then the evil, "I want another" will hit me...which is why i think I need to have some kind of permanant birth control after next if I don't end up with a hysteroctomy, bc I feel like I am going to need some kind of finality to get to acceptance....
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
i think my main problem is that I got a soul that w like 20 children and a body that only can have like 5 or 6.....trying to find that happy medium
Deena says:
don't do something like that on purpsose
Deena says:
don't ever
Deena says:
you are not the type of person who should purposefully have permanent birth control
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
i know i never could even think about doing it before, but I sometimes hope that maybe it could "stop me" from wanting more, you know??
Deena says:
I use to feel that way
Deena says:
because I couldn't feel done I wanted to but I couldn't
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
thats just what I want....to lo at my family and feel an "ahhhaaaa" feeling....a "yep, they are all here" feeling.....
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
I definatly have a lot to think about
Deena says:
maybe you are over thinking it
Deena says:
maybe that is your problem
Deena says:
too much thinking
Deena says:
too much
drnmd1216@comcast.net says:
I personally would rather just follow my and do what feels right
Deena says:
then do that
Deena says:
stop over annalixing it
Deena says:
that is one of your biggest problems
Deena says:
too much over thinking
Deena says:
making mountain out of mole hills
Deena says:
you are worried about not feeling complete after a that isn't even concieved yet
Deena says:
that is over thinking
Deena says:
just go with your heart Melissa you can't go wrong
Deena says:
yeah stop over thinking things
Deena says:
the more I think of your cards the more it makes sense to me that you are focusing too much on over thinking

So I know some people might think card readings are hokey, but what do you think about that?? I fully understand and appreciate that God is in ultimate control, but I do think readings like this have place in life as well (kind of like a "peek" at some of God's master plan).

abortion thoughts

Well one of my best friends had an abortion a couple days ago, and I don't know if I am ever going to be able to accept it like I should. Everyone else around me is like "well people make mistakes, you have to be a friend" but I am just so mad about this.

I am mad that she didn't use birth control for the last 6 months or so. The last few months she had thought she might be pg bc of "oops" es...it was like a monthly thing and I was excited for her each time bc I knew she wanted one more baby (she already has two). I think I even prayed a few times that she could have the third child she wanted so badly. Abortion is NOT birth control.

I mad at that I was SOOOOO damn excited for her. With trying for my own last child, I have gotten very jealous of others getting pregnant so easily, but when she told me she had gotten a positive test, I was so happy for her bc I knew she wanted a 3rd child and she didn't think she would end up having another bc of her jerky husband.

I am mad that once her husband said she better get rid of it, she actually started considering it as an acceptable option and made an appointment to talk about "getting rid of it" immediately.

I am mad that she never considered the baby in this equation. I wrongly assumed that those of us that already have children appreciate every step of the early stages of pregnancy as we do the later stages. I assumed that moms pregnant for the 3rd time feel protective of their babies right from that first positive test-just bc they have gone through it all before and LOVED going through it all. For her though, the baby became "it" and "not a baby, just the potential for a baby". She never once thought of the fairness of ending this little life and their future in this world bc she stopped even considering it to be a baby once she started considering abortion.

I am mad that I spent a week, pouring my heart and soul into talks with her and emails to her, trying to get her to see this baby as a blessing and not a burden. I have cried more times then she has it seems, bc she has had such a "it doesn't matter, its not a baby and its not going to work out anyways" attitude.

I am mad that she had an ultrasound and still couldn't see this was more then just a mistake.

I am mad that I NEVER thought in a million years she would actually do it, and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I found out she actually went through with it.

I am mad that she didn't see anything wrong with having her baby scraped out of her with a scalpel and sucked out with a vaccum. She didn't see it as a problem since she was viewing this as simply a medical procedure and nothing to do with a baby.

I am mad that she seemingly has no regret at all, only relief that its over and done with. I am the one supposed to forgive and forget, but she is acting like she went in to have her haircut and I am having a hard time dealing with that when my heart aches for that little one. From her positive pregnancy test, I could see that little person's whole life ahead, imagine them in the family with the other two....and now he/she is gone, killed by their own mother.

I am mad that she told me she is HAPPY to live in this time and have the choice to not continue the pregnancy. I mad that she seems so happy now that "all her problems are gone".

I am mad that she doesn't see the big picture of this decision. She didn't think about how she might regret it 10 years from now....she only cared about the now. She wasn't willing to work hard for her own child, who was brought innocently into this mess-didn't get a say as to his/her own future.

I am mad that she says she will have a 3rd child when the time is right for her. I am mad that God's timing wasn't right for her....and that she thinks this world is all about her and when she wants things to happen.

I am mad that she never had any trouble conceiving her THREE children, and takes it for granted, when I have been trying for about 3.5 years for all my children collectively. I wish she could understand what a pregnancy feels like AFTER you have seen negative test after negative test...once you have felt like maybe it won't happen and maybe God doesn't see fit to bless you with any more babies.

I am mad that God could let this stuff happen, although I know He is helpless when it comes to the power of free will. And I know He was probably the first one crying over this-since He had sent this child to her for a reason.

I am mad that I let someone into my life that now has brought abortion into MY life now. Its hard enough to accept it going on in the world when you appreciate God's blessings so much (and the magic they bring to your life, no matter what the timing). I knew I wanted to keep far from abortion and I thought I had surrounded myself around like minded individuals (those that appreciate life AND however many children they end up blessed with). Obviously, I am a bad judge of character. 2 weeks ago, I would have sworn on my children's lives that my friend would NEVER consider this option in a million years if she ended up pregnant with her 3rd.

I am mad that I am the one that has to go to church today to pray for her child and pray for this whole situation in general.

I am mad that I have to find forgiveness in my heart for this and I don't want to/can't even see it happening at this moment of time. I don't want to accept her mistake when she doesn't even regret her mistake.

I am mad that no one else in my life appreciates how hard this is for me. Everyone says "just get over it already." Even my husband is like
she made a mistake, move on". Very few in my life understand the complexity of getting over this. Most think of it just as "her choice". Very few think about the whole ending a life aspect. I don't befriend those that murder children or other adults...yet I am supposed to see ending the life of a baby (that would have had a long and bright future ahead) as acceptable bc our society deems it as acceptable. I believe that little person (like ALL my children) became a person and gained a soul at conception, yet I am supposed to believe that killing him/her isn't actually a BIG thing, bc it was only at the very beginning of their life. The beginning of life doesn't really matter (even though thats how we ALL started). Its not really the beginning of a miracle (with one cell turning into a little human). Its just a clump of meaningless cells to dispose of at our leisure...certainly not the essence of a little person, desperate to grow and enter this world and enjoy the blessings of life for himself/herself.

I am just mad and at this moment in time I never want to talk with her again...bc I feel she is a selfish person that doesn't appreciate the gift of life. I am aghast that someone who has had children before (and supposedly loved every moment of it) can have such an emotionless view of the miracle of life-is it only a miracle when you want that life IN your life? I feel like I don't even know who this person is that was supposed to be one of my best friends....not sure how I can ever find something in common with her again. We live our life to enjoy God's blessings to the fullest; we know we were given our own life as a gift, as well as the gift of children into our lives. I am mad that she doesn't appreciate these gifts the way she should. I am mad that she doesn't care at this moment that she killed her own baby, all to make her life appear simpler. I am mad that she is happy and content with this now. I don't know how I am supposed to just hang out and not think about what she did the whole time. Not think that she is SUPPOSED to be nurturing a little baby inside her and instead has disposed of it like its just trash. This is one of the most traumatic things I have ever had to deal with in my life-way more so then my own traumatic twin birth. Just don't know how I will ever find the strength to either "forget" about this or "accept" it. I don't understand why I have to accept something against all my morals (one of the many things I don't/can't accept going on in the world as it is)....yet just bc a friend decided to let this into her own life, I am supposed to be the bigger person and accept it all into MY life? I just wish I could run away and hide from all this...forever....and enjoy the carefree life I was living 2 weeks ago (when I never even had to THINK about this horrible stuff). :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Quiverfull+c-sections=??????

I have thought a LOT about the quiverfull movement. What was funny is that my husband mentioned it right around the time I was thinking about it, bc he heard an interview on the radio about a family that was quiverfull. Before I was married/before I had kids, I didn't think twice about preventing pregnancy. I knew I wanted kids, but I didn't want them at the time and I tried to make sure they wouldn't be making any surprise appearances. I remember having a scare in high school (period mia for a while) and even thinking about what I would d0...even considering really bad things for a moment. Augh.

Anyways, fast forward to right before our wedding when we finally decided we wanted to welcome children into our lives. So we discontinued birth control and we started trying. And we tried. And we tried. And we tried some more. I went through the deepest despairs that maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother afte 1.5 years of trying...and I couldn't understand why it hadn't happening within my personal timeline. Finally after 19 months of trying, 19 months of negative pregnancy tests and too many tears to count, we were finally pregnant. It was all magical to have my dreams finally come true, and a true miracle to watch that tiny blob on the ultrasound turn into a gorgeous baby girl!! Being a mother was what my life was certainly meant for; the past 23 years suddenly felt like nothing but a giant standstill, waiting for this miracle of all miracles. I enjoyed her so much, but still felt like someone was missing-and it hit RIGHT after her birth. I thought it was crazy, but I listened to my inner voice in regards to it, and figured that we simply wouldn't prevent (since it took so long the last time). And so be it, God surprised us very soon after and Elise ended up being born 11 months and 3 days after her older sister. Life felt too good to be true-yet there was that feeling still-the someone is still missing feeling. We decided to not prevent, hoping that maybe we could have another really quickly and hopefully help us feel more content. Instead, we ended up waiting 9 months until we finally conceived our first boy-9 months of me wondering why it wasn't happening when I wanted it to happen. And it did finally happen, and he was a perfect addition. I knew I was so incredibly blessed. And then the feeling crept back in-someone was still missing. I prayed a lot, hoping for twins all the time (as I did with the other kids). And we tried, and tried and tried some more, with me getting more upset yet again, wondering why things never worked out the way I "planned" them in my head. I was most upset that the baby was going to be over 2 years apart, when the others were so close...and 4 would probably be it for us, bc my husband was feeling like 4 was a good number to stop at. And then we FINALLY got a positive test, and some MAJOR morning sickness for the first time ever. We went into our 12 week appt to hear the heartbeat and couldn't find anything, so we were sent off to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was sure that my much hoped for/desired blessing was gone-only to find out that God had blessed us with TWO healthy babies. My life and children were sucha joy/I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be able to add two more. Fast forward through the rough delivery with the retained placenta (somehow not seen/ removed by ob/gyn), hemorrhaging, ICU stay, etc and I was sure that we were done. I was sure that I could will msyelf to be content at 5.

And here I am presently. I have these 5 gorgeous children that my husband and I adore. Happiness and joy are abundant in our household, our cup is most definately overfilled with love. We have a busy life, we homeschool and we are on the move 24/7, on top of having 5 kids, 5 and under. And yet I try with all my earthly power to "feel done" and not desire another child, yet that feeling still resides in me and if anything, gets stronger by the day. As I couldn't will myself to have children when "I" wanted it to happen, nor can I will myself to not feel this feeling I have fought the last 18 months. Its more then just a battle of will-this feeling is within ME/its part of my existence.

I have read up a lot about being quiverfull and it suddenly makes everything "make sense". When I wanted children, it wasn't yet in God's will for us....and God kept trying to "teach" me that lesson over and over again. It isn't about "me" and my plans....it is God's will and God's master plan. And in the end, His plan has most definately proved to be perfect. I couldn't pick 5 better children to be ours to love, raise and teach. So is it God's will, deep in my heart, that assures me that someone is still missing from our family? That voice that assures me that everything will be okay and I will find contentness-with HIS timing, not mine. To be quiverfull would be to let God "close my womb" when its meant to be closed...and it makes so much sense, since He "opened my womb" when it was His will to do so.

But can I think like that, with a fair number of c-sections under my belt?? I have SOOOOOO much work left'in regards to raising our children following God's plan....and it scares me at times to think of taking a risk/chance of leaving my most treasured work in progress behind. Can I be quiverfull and have the c-sections I do? Can I keep 100% faith that if I follow God's plan for me, He will protect me? After having my five babies, I can't imagine purposefully preventing pregnancy-which has made it much harder as I have tried to consider "being done". Everything points me towards being quiverfull, but my c-sections hold the logical part of me back. Were the c-sections I had His will, or were they the result of human interference/mistakes along the way that veered off the path of HIS plan for us? If so, does that negate my ability to be quiverfull?? So many questions and so few spoken answers.

As I have prayed about this, I have found that I feel the most peace when I have momentarily surrendered my will and asked God to once more guide me with His will when it comes to anything, including the size of our family. Regardless, it doesn't stop me from momentarily breaking out of this peaceful content, to freak out about "what ifs' no matter how realistic they are either. So where am I? What is a woman with 4 c-sections "allowed" to believe when it comes to ideology, childbearing and God's role/will?? I am hoping one day, I can figure out the RIGHT answer in regards to it all.

Why can't my life be easy???

So today, I got a letter from STCC. It was actually an acceptance letter into the nursing program. *Sigh* I guess I just assumed/hoped I wouldn't get in so it would make my life easier, but of course, that NEVER turns out to be the case. I am 100% on board for letting these next few years be soley about the kids, their childhood and their schooling. BUT i am not going to lie....its like reaching a fork in the road and waving goodbye to my dreams and desires and hoping I will meet up with this road again sometime in the future. STCC's nursing program is a rigorous program which is pretty tough to get into. My sister applied with me and hasn't heard a thing (and I will NOT be telling her I got in). I guess I am mostly wondering if I will ever get this opportunity again. Is God testing me to see if I have my priorities in check/if I will make the right choice?? I have until April 13th to make a "final" decision, although I am 99.99999% sure which choice I will make, there is still that teeny, tiny piece of me that wonders "what if". Life was definately MUCH simpler when I didn't have this stupid acceptance letter to add into the equation, thats for sure!!!

I am so thankful for homeschooling!

I know a lot of people don't really "get it" and I understand, bc I used to be one of those people that thought it was just a weird thing that weird people did. I am so thankful to be on the path of life we are currently on though! Today, I was talking to my friend about her daughter (who is in 2nd grade). She told me that her daughter is an excellent speller and always gets 100's on her quizes, until a few weeks ago when she came back with a 60 on her quiz. She couldn't understand why, bc she spelled all the words correctly, but since she had capatilized a few (like Sir), she lost ALL points for those 4 words, regardless of the fact that she had SPELLED the words right. Since it as a spelling test (and not a grammar test), you would think that spelling would be what truly counts. Sure, make a point by maybe taking a point off, but is it really necessary to mark the whole thing wrong? She also received no credit for answering "what is a noun?" with the answer "a parson, place or thing"-simply bc she mispelled person. Did I mention she is just 7? Her daughter was really upset by this and it all just makes me really sad. Everything is about testing, testing, testing. Teaching to test. We need to/HAVE to get those scores high, especially for MCAS testing. Everything ultimately spirals down to the importance of MCAS. What does MCAS truly mean for the future of our children though...for their future tomorrow as well as their future 20 years from now?

Back when we were kids, we learned to learn (and to have fun doing it). We explored things and got our hands dirty and experienced the fun of being a kid, all while learning the basics in a slow and steady fashion. Now kids are being sent with homework (hours of homework), sometimes starting as early as Kindergarten....being taught to read and write as soon as they walk in the door in Kindergarten....learning how to fill in the bubbles in 1st/2nd grade....and testing, testing, testing. Teachers are pressured by these tests, principals are pressured by these tests, school systems are pressured by these tests and most importantly students are pressured by these tests. In the end, do all these years of teaching to test for these MCAS help foster a love of learning? Does teaching to test give students that desire one needs in life to want to learn more/do more each and every day of their lives? Does it..can it?? I don't know. Personally, teaching to test does NOT work for me. I am currently taking an anatomy and physiology class and its a pretty good example of "teaching to test". I learn about a mess of body parts (right now we are doing muscles), I study, I test..and then I push it all back to the back of mind, so I can start memorizing the next group of parts. Very little hands on experiences, no dissection, just memorize/test, memorize/test, memorize/test I am nearing the end of the class (one month to go), I have a great grade (92 average) and I am burned out. There's no meat to the class, no excitement....nada. I have never taken a class so "soul-less" in my life, and I have taken a lot of classes! This class feels like its just sucking the life out of me.

Can our kids escape the same fate?? I know there are fantastic teachers out there that creatively work the necessary lessons into excellent, multifaceted hands on experiences for their students (I probably went to college with some of them). In my teaching days, I tried to do the same!! But there are also teachers out there that aren't like that and "stick to the rules" as to what each student is required to learn for MCAS. My friend's daughter's teacher is obviously one of them. How can you be sure you get the right teacher year after year? How can you make sure their lessons are made "real" to them?? How do you instill that love of learning??

I truly appreciate being able to give my kids the opportunity to slow down and experience/savor life, subsequently learning at the same time. I want them to correlate learning similiar to that of sleeping, eating, playing... make it just another enjoyable staple of life! I love homeschooling bc it allows my kids to be kids and it allows me to tailor our days to meet all their needs (be it educational, emotional, etc). Our days are simple, yet so busy, packed full of meaningful life/learning experiences.

We wake up (whenever we want to) and we lazily eat breakfast. I cuddle on the couch with Kylie while the others are playing and I work with her on her reading (she is reading 3/4 letter words and doing great). We do 2 or 3 lessons at a time, just bc she wants to do more. I work on a reading lesson with Elise next (although she doesn't really "get it" like Kylie has, she wants to be right there with Kylie, trying to learn how to read). We play with our farm animal counters and do pattern blocks and practice our math skills. We play with different shaped wooden pieces and make letters. We practice writing some letters/Kylie writes her own words by sounding out the words she wants to write (and spelling DOESN'T matter!) We draw pictures to go with our stories words. We paint (mostly with paint with water books right now though, due to the house selling thing!) We listen to stories from around the world and relate them to our life. We get our hands dirty and we learn about the world around us. We go to our co-operative once a week and meet up with a fabulous group of ladies and children, and we take turns teaching different classes/lessons. Today, we learn about crickets and even Caden can tell someone that a cricket has ears on its legs, or that a cricket has 5 eyes and 6 legs. We also make a little cricket habitat and take home our own pet crickets that another mom has brought in for everyone. We learn about body parts and about which bones are connected to each other. We then outline our whole body on big pieces of poster board and color them in to represent our own bodies. Kylie gives herself pink patterned tights and a "fur coat" like Veruca Salt on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, while Caden asks someone to help him draw a Mack truck. Elise gives herself a crown and LONG, flowing brown locks! I watch my kids interact with kids of all ages, Kylie gives her future husband/her prince a hug and a backrub lol then. Caden finds buddies to play cars with him. Elise plays princess with another little girl. They play hide and seek. They run. They roll down hills together. They have fun together, no matter what the age (be it 2 or 10). We go to the park and enjoy the park for hours, meeting up with so many of our great friends! We go up and down slides. We swing so high we almost touch the sky. We take off our shoes and run in the grass and just run and run and run, feeling the cool damp grass beneath our toes. We sometimes sit and eat our lunch there, just enjoying the day and the clouds and our time together. We go out to museums and more parks, as well as field trips set up by our co-op friends. We go to a farm, we go to a sugar house, and in two months we go for a 2 hour ride on a steam train and boat. We go to the library and we particpate in our groups, we sit and enjoy the books (and the toys too of course). We ride our scooters. We ride our bikes. We go for walks. We go for rides and we just talk (we talk about the world, we talk about God, we talk about that naughty mommy getting pulled over for not following the rules ;) ). We learn about forgiveness. We learn about appreciating the great many joys we have in our lives. We talk about the good things in life. We talk about the sad. We pray. At the end of our full days, we collapse into bed. We are all soooooo tired...but boy, is life good!!!

I am so thankful to have the opportunity to homeschool my kids. I am so incredibly thankful to be able to have these kinds of days with my kids, day after day. I am so thankful for my supportive husband-who is my other half . I am so thankful for all my awesome, very supportive friends that I can talk to day after day about anything/everything!! I am so thankful for our great literature based, hands on curriculum. I am so thankful for all the days we get to spend together. I am so thankful for my family, who helps me when I need it, even if they don't agree or support homeschooling at this moment of time. I am so thankful for the wonderful homeschooling community we are surrounded by, including our co-op friends. And most importantly, I am so incredibly thankful and grateful that my kids have NO idea what a test is...or what homework is either..but they do love to learn, play to learn and live to learn!

Boy, I am just a blogging fool lately!

Guess I have a lot on my mind.

Today I am having a "I want another baby really, really, really, really, really, REALLY bad" kind of day. I just hate having the someone is missing feeling. I look back and Caden is sitting all by himself...the other day, he even asked me "where is my baby to sit with"-since the girls both sit with a twin. I just want that done feeling everyone talks about. Is it for real??? Sometimes (a lot of time) I am afraid I will be one of those people that will never feel completely done! I have so much to be thankful for I know, but when you have that feeling that someone is missing, its hard to sit idly by wait...... I made the mistake of mentioning this to a few acquaintances at church this summer, and I heard "just get over it already" by one. Of course, she had her 2 children (the boy and girl of course) and had felt perfectly done after that. I am honestly jealous!!! Why can't it be that easy for me?? When your heart isn't done, it just isn't that easy to will yourself to feel differently (no matter what everyone else in the world thinks!)

Enough blog therapy for now...I really gotta get sewing!