abortion thoughts

Well one of my best friends had an abortion a couple days ago, and I don't know if I am ever going to be able to accept it like I should. Everyone else around me is like "well people make mistakes, you have to be a friend" but I am just so mad about this.

I am mad that she didn't use birth control for the last 6 months or so. The last few months she had thought she might be pg bc of "oops" es...it was like a monthly thing and I was excited for her each time bc I knew she wanted one more baby (she already has two). I think I even prayed a few times that she could have the third child she wanted so badly. Abortion is NOT birth control.

I mad at that I was SOOOOO damn excited for her. With trying for my own last child, I have gotten very jealous of others getting pregnant so easily, but when she told me she had gotten a positive test, I was so happy for her bc I knew she wanted a 3rd child and she didn't think she would end up having another bc of her jerky husband.

I am mad that once her husband said she better get rid of it, she actually started considering it as an acceptable option and made an appointment to talk about "getting rid of it" immediately.

I am mad that she never considered the baby in this equation. I wrongly assumed that those of us that already have children appreciate every step of the early stages of pregnancy as we do the later stages. I assumed that moms pregnant for the 3rd time feel protective of their babies right from that first positive test-just bc they have gone through it all before and LOVED going through it all. For her though, the baby became "it" and "not a baby, just the potential for a baby". She never once thought of the fairness of ending this little life and their future in this world bc she stopped even considering it to be a baby once she started considering abortion.

I am mad that I spent a week, pouring my heart and soul into talks with her and emails to her, trying to get her to see this baby as a blessing and not a burden. I have cried more times then she has it seems, bc she has had such a "it doesn't matter, its not a baby and its not going to work out anyways" attitude.

I am mad that she had an ultrasound and still couldn't see this was more then just a mistake.

I am mad that I NEVER thought in a million years she would actually do it, and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I found out she actually went through with it.

I am mad that she didn't see anything wrong with having her baby scraped out of her with a scalpel and sucked out with a vaccum. She didn't see it as a problem since she was viewing this as simply a medical procedure and nothing to do with a baby.

I am mad that she seemingly has no regret at all, only relief that its over and done with. I am the one supposed to forgive and forget, but she is acting like she went in to have her haircut and I am having a hard time dealing with that when my heart aches for that little one. From her positive pregnancy test, I could see that little person's whole life ahead, imagine them in the family with the other two....and now he/she is gone, killed by their own mother.

I am mad that she told me she is HAPPY to live in this time and have the choice to not continue the pregnancy. I mad that she seems so happy now that "all her problems are gone".

I am mad that she doesn't see the big picture of this decision. She didn't think about how she might regret it 10 years from now....she only cared about the now. She wasn't willing to work hard for her own child, who was brought innocently into this mess-didn't get a say as to his/her own future.

I am mad that she says she will have a 3rd child when the time is right for her. I am mad that God's timing wasn't right for her....and that she thinks this world is all about her and when she wants things to happen.

I am mad that she never had any trouble conceiving her THREE children, and takes it for granted, when I have been trying for about 3.5 years for all my children collectively. I wish she could understand what a pregnancy feels like AFTER you have seen negative test after negative test...once you have felt like maybe it won't happen and maybe God doesn't see fit to bless you with any more babies.

I am mad that God could let this stuff happen, although I know He is helpless when it comes to the power of free will. And I know He was probably the first one crying over this-since He had sent this child to her for a reason.

I am mad that I let someone into my life that now has brought abortion into MY life now. Its hard enough to accept it going on in the world when you appreciate God's blessings so much (and the magic they bring to your life, no matter what the timing). I knew I wanted to keep far from abortion and I thought I had surrounded myself around like minded individuals (those that appreciate life AND however many children they end up blessed with). Obviously, I am a bad judge of character. 2 weeks ago, I would have sworn on my children's lives that my friend would NEVER consider this option in a million years if she ended up pregnant with her 3rd.

I am mad that I am the one that has to go to church today to pray for her child and pray for this whole situation in general.

I am mad that I have to find forgiveness in my heart for this and I don't want to/can't even see it happening at this moment of time. I don't want to accept her mistake when she doesn't even regret her mistake.

I am mad that no one else in my life appreciates how hard this is for me. Everyone says "just get over it already." Even my husband is like
she made a mistake, move on". Very few in my life understand the complexity of getting over this. Most think of it just as "her choice". Very few think about the whole ending a life aspect. I don't befriend those that murder children or other adults...yet I am supposed to see ending the life of a baby (that would have had a long and bright future ahead) as acceptable bc our society deems it as acceptable. I believe that little person (like ALL my children) became a person and gained a soul at conception, yet I am supposed to believe that killing him/her isn't actually a BIG thing, bc it was only at the very beginning of their life. The beginning of life doesn't really matter (even though thats how we ALL started). Its not really the beginning of a miracle (with one cell turning into a little human). Its just a clump of meaningless cells to dispose of at our leisure...certainly not the essence of a little person, desperate to grow and enter this world and enjoy the blessings of life for himself/herself.

I am just mad and at this moment in time I never want to talk with her again...bc I feel she is a selfish person that doesn't appreciate the gift of life. I am aghast that someone who has had children before (and supposedly loved every moment of it) can have such an emotionless view of the miracle of life-is it only a miracle when you want that life IN your life? I feel like I don't even know who this person is that was supposed to be one of my best friends....not sure how I can ever find something in common with her again. We live our life to enjoy God's blessings to the fullest; we know we were given our own life as a gift, as well as the gift of children into our lives. I am mad that she doesn't appreciate these gifts the way she should. I am mad that she doesn't care at this moment that she killed her own baby, all to make her life appear simpler. I am mad that she is happy and content with this now. I don't know how I am supposed to just hang out and not think about what she did the whole time. Not think that she is SUPPOSED to be nurturing a little baby inside her and instead has disposed of it like its just trash. This is one of the most traumatic things I have ever had to deal with in my life-way more so then my own traumatic twin birth. Just don't know how I will ever find the strength to either "forget" about this or "accept" it. I don't understand why I have to accept something against all my morals (one of the many things I don't/can't accept going on in the world as it is)....yet just bc a friend decided to let this into her own life, I am supposed to be the bigger person and accept it all into MY life? I just wish I could run away and hide from all this...forever....and enjoy the carefree life I was living 2 weeks ago (when I never even had to THINK about this horrible stuff). :( :( :( :( :( :( :(