SOOO conflicted in regards to having just one more baby....

This internal struggle has been going on since last May/June. Here's ALL the history (and there is a LOT).

First off, with the twins pregnancy, I had a complete placenta previa (placenta grew over my cervix and I was at a great risk for placenta acreta). Before my c-section, we had to take MANY precautions before I went in the OR (got 3 IVS placed, an epidural on top of the spinal, tons of blood waiting to be used, etc). Well the c-section "seemingly" went well and there were no signs of acreta and everyone was surprised...until I got to the recovery room that is. I was so thirsty and I kept begging for some water, and then everyone started to panic over how much I was bleeding. They would roll me over to change the pads under me and give me shots of this or that, many times putting their hands up in my uterus to help it clamp down. Nothing was working and I started getting blood transfusions while the perinatologist was figuring out what to do. At that time, I was practically begging for a hysteroctomy to end it all-I just wanted to recover and be done with it so I could see my babies (and most importantly get a damn drink of water). I ended up getting sent underground to the real hospital and having a procedure called uterine embolization, in which they found blood vessels that were bleeding and cauterized them. In the end, I think I did have some placenta acreta, bc a piece of placenta came out of me 6 months later. Either it was just "hanging out" in there bc my ob was an idiot and forgot to remove it, or it was attached and finally detached itself (which would be the acreta part)

Anyways, after all that I swore I would NEVER go through that again. If I had been offered a tubal at that moment, I would have surely taken it and I was mad for a while that the didn't do a hysteroctomy from the beginning and save me all the grief. What the heck did I need my uterus for anymore?? Of course, God can work wonders on the heart, especially when enjoying those blessings He has bestowed upon us. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that 5 was it and we were done, my heart kept desiring more. The twins were such a joy to us (and filled a void in our family) and I accepted the birth as a bad moment in time and moved on. I look at my kids and I feel that there is at least one someone missing-like they are perpetually "lost". Doesn't help that Caden keeps asking where his baby is, bc Kylie and Elise have claimed Gavin and Rylan as their own. And with 5, Caden is the defination of a MIDDLE child-whereas if I had one more, he wouldn't be the odd man out. There is just a constant nagging in my heart that we are meant to have at least one more child and they will be the final piece to our family that will complete us.

So anyways, after the babies were about 6 months old, we decided that we wouldn't prevent. We dismissed the past birth as the past and were looking forward to the future. I went to meet some online friends in New York in May of last year and had a BLAST! One of them did these card readings and we all met in her hotel room once the kids were asleep. I was so nervous, so I went last. I just wanted her to tell me I would have 2 more kids at least. Well her reading was one of those things that changed me, and I am not sure if it was for the better or for the worse. Here are bits and pieces of it, that she later wrote me in emails.

"Your cards did come up not what I expected either. I dont' think any of us realized the extent of your complications from having the babies. I won't lie, the cards made it very clear that the risk is real. It did not say you were going to die, but it didn't say something bad wouldn't happen. It did say the risks were real and that you must not take that for granted. As for wanting another baby I am of the belief that is you have the desire I think it is because you are suppose to have another... now with saying this many people do spend a life time thinking they should have had another even though they didn't. I know more than one person who had no choice to stop even though they didn't want to... some who had no choice to stop having bio babies did go on to adopt, because they felt their family was not complete. Is this an option for you??? You could have as large of a family as you want if you adopted. Your body or dr's wouldn't have a say. "
"I totally understand your need to erase the negative aspects of your last pg. It was not an easy one at all but having another baby doesn't mean you will have a better pg the next time... or that the pg will be the same as the twins pg. It is such a difficult thing. I would hate to say DO NOT Have more because it is to dangerous and you go ahead and everything be ok. OR say GO FOR IT and have another and something bad happens to you. You DO have a wonderful family, and you are a wonderful person. I would not speak lightly about what choice you should make. No way. This is too important. "
"You are right though. You do have a beautiful family and it would be aweful for them to loose you. Your husband seems like such a sweetheart and I can tell he loves you dearly and loves the family you have created together. It is such a nice little family. The kids are so sweet and I was really drawn towards you guys. You all seem so genuine.The cards tell you what you need to hear. They tell you how it is, even when you dont' want to hear it. I think they are telling you that the risk is there do not belittle it or write it off. But it did also say that you will probably have another (I am thinking boy because of what we saw but I would have to read into that more... because I am not 100% sure it would be a boy or not. But would say most likely boy.. I did not see anything girlie about it. It did not say you would die or that everything would be ok. The cards won't show me that far. They just want you to be aware and that sometimes it is wise to listen to those who deal with these things medically every day. "
"I do feel you will continue to struggle with the choice.I feel there is a spirit child around you hovering over you and if you do decide to have another (and I think you will) there is one more waiting if you choose to have one. I do feel he is a boy.Here is the thing. The risk is there. I do not know the outcome but there is a risk. I do know when you are pg, although the risk is there you will feel peace and set free from the darkness and drowning feeling you feel right now. Doug will always be by your side regardless, He is your partner on your journey, with you always. You are really lucky. You did marry one of the good ones. But so did he. For answers I get that you have a picture of a mother?? Or Mother figure?? The answer is in that picture. It feels almost like a holy picture or religious picture... not sure. But I do know it is a picture of MOTHER. The answer you need is in that picture. And also to have faith. THat is very important. I do not believe in organize religion but I believe in something MORE than this. So when I say faith I mean faith that you are on the right path, some paths are just harder to figure out. "
"I do see someone... feels like an angel who will be watching over you closely during the pg.One thing I do get though is to PLEASE take things seriously about the risks and to wait as long as the dr's tell you to. To listen to what they say with regards to TIME. And again you will get the answers in side that picture of "MOTHER" I dont want to say of the mother I want to say MOTHER."

Anyways, that was the gist of my reading and it terrified me. Most especially bc she saw dark red rivers, like bleeding. Augh. Anyways, I took MANY months of ttc off and tried to figure it all out. I was convinced that we were definately NOT having another one again. Then Doug's Gram suddenly passed away. She was our biggest fan-we spent a lot of time with her and she was such a positive person in our lives. Her loss was devastating to our family. I had her picture up as my screensaver and I was staring at it, thinking of all this baby stuff going on in my head. And all about how important it is to live life to the fullest. All of the sudden, I started to wonder if the pic of the mother figure was her. I also had a dream about her. It was several days after her death, and my dream was as clear as it is now. I NEVER remember my dreams. In my dream, I first asked her if I was going to have another child and she looked at me with a worried expression on her face and said that she would be there for me through it all. I still can remember the face she made. :/ She also mentioned finding the baby she had lost, which meant the world to my motherinlaw when I told her (she said I definately had tapped into her in my dream, since my motherinlaw wouldn't be around today if she hadn't lost that baby before her). Anyways, I didn't know what to think still on the subject, but at least felt good that I had an angel on my side of matters.

As the months passed by, I became more and more spiritual about life and death. I finally felt like there was definately really more then this earth (whereas I used to question future existence after death). I prayed a lot and asked God to help me find peace some day with all this. We didn't really try at this time....but it was always on my mind and that desire for another child kept on getting stronger.

On August 2nd (his Gram's birthday), Doug went to my sister in law's house for a psychic reading. I know, it sounds kind of hooky, but they knew this psychic forever and she had predicted my neice and our twins before the fact. Anyways, his reading with her was pretty positive. She was first conversing with Doug's gram. Right in the beginning, we believed it was the real thing was that Doug's gram was singing "onward Christian soldiers" which was the song we sang at her memorial. She couldn't have known that! She then told Doug RIGHT AWAY that there was a baby meant to be added to our family and that it was a girl with curly hair. This practically brought me to tears bc I ALWAYS taked to Doug's gram about how unfair it was that I didn't get a girl with curly hair out of my 5 kids. Doug asked if there would be any compications and she said no. She said there would be one more after that...many years down the road. A boy. She also mentioned that we would be doing construction on our house (which we were like mmmhmmmm at the time, not believing it...and look at what did happen in the end! Crazy!)

So after that reading, I suddenly felt like I would be okay and although I wasn't planning on having that boy at the end, it gave me hope that I certainly would live through another pregnancy. We again resumed trying for another baby and felt very positive about it. My own grandmother suddenly passed away in late September and although we were incredibly sad, I felt like another angel had joined my team. So for months, we tried and hoped and I became more and more spiritual about it and in regards to life itself. I vowed to God that I would raise the kids to be good people that appreciated the true meaning of life (and not the "american meaning of life"). All my children were given to me by God and I have no question that God has helped lead me to where I am at right now.

Now all was good with trying (although nothing was happening for us baby wise) and then about 2 months ago one of my best friends called me up and told me her dream. In her dream, I had had a girl that I wanted so bad and I was like "ohhhhhhh, thats a great dream" whereas she added in "and you didn't make it..." My heart dropped. She said that in her dream, she moved in with Doug and they had a big happy family with all the kids. She said at the end of the conversation "it wasn't a bad dream, if that makes you feel any better?" After that, I was back to feeling sick about it all. My friend isn't the most spiritual person out there, but in the Bible, there was foretelling of the future in dreams. Was this one of those?? Her husband is nothing like Doug and definately won't win husband/father of the year...so was that why she dreamed it?? So now I am stuck where I am at.

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my thoughts. I just wish I could have an answer and someone else would make it for me. God sent me the longing for the children I already have, so whose to say he isn't sending the longing for this last child I want so badly. Why would He make my heart feel so strongly about it if it wasn't meant to be? Am I supposed to take the leap of faith and put it all in HIS hands and just tell myself what happens is meant to happen? Or is the dream a sign from God that I am supposed to count my blessings and move on? In the psychic reading of Doug's maybe that boy is his child with someone else-like my friend?? Augh. I don't know what to think anymore/what to do. I know if I don't have that child I long for, I will be sad/discontent about it the rest of my life and I will always wonder what they would have been like/what they would have added to the family. I have "convinced" myself many times in this last 9 months to not have another baby and that emptiness stays in my heart, no matter how convinced I am that its the best decision for myself.

On the other hand, if I do have the child I so long for, it could end out positively and fulfill my life (and I would 100% have my tubes tied after that one) and I know I would finally have such a content peace with life and our family/number of children. But there is that possibility that it might not end positively...and then what?? I will leave Doug all alone with 6 children and I would fail at getting the chance to raise/mold them into the individuals God wants them to be. So in the end, who do I make this choice for? Is it selfish to just think of myself when making this choice-is God testing me in reference to whether or not I can put others ahead of myself? Does God have big plans for this child that I keep longing for, no matter what my outcome is? Or am I supposed to live a life missing that perpetual child in my heart?? We are still kinda trying sometimes, but every month I see that negative test, I feel a strong sense of sadness mixed with relief. I just don't know what I should be feeling and I am kinda "lost" right now.

I pray almost daily that God will only let me get pregnant if I can live through it. I also pray almost daily that I can have the opportunity to raise and mold the kids to be good people and not be taken from this Earth too early before I can accomplish this goal. I ALSO pray just about daily that I can ultimately find peace in my heart on the issue. I guess all I can do for the time being is to continue on my spiritual path, while looking to God to help me find the peace I so long for, while ALSO continuing to lead the children towards happy, content, meaningful and spiritual lives. Hopefully one day I will get this all figured out, so that there can be a happy ending for all. For now, I will walk through life with these burdens in my heart, while still appreciating the blessings that God has fruitfully bestowed upon us. In the end, God is in charge of it all and I am sure there is an ultimate purpose behind my months of emotional turmoil-I just wish I could see God's master plan for our family and its future......just a teeny tiny peek.

Yes, I am one of "those parents"....and proud of it!

So today a not as close as we used to be :( friend came over for a minute to see the house done up. She went upstairs and saw that our top mattress had been moved into the kids' room on the floor and she came down chasticing me "oh Melissa, you are one of "those parents". Give it up already. I was never so happy to kick *insert child's name* out of my room. Enough already." Yep, I am definately one of "those parents" and I like to be one of those parents, as does Doug. The kids enjoy and ask for us to sleep with them, and there is nothing sweeter in the world to cuddle up next to Doug at night and listen to the soft whispery breaths in and out of my 5 babies. Its just so incredibly comforting to me and my nights make me realize life can't get any better. The few times we have slept in separate rooms in the last few years, the kids would wake up randomly at night and come into the room we were in and fall asleep wherever they could find a space, while I would be the one waking up in a panic and hoping the other kids were okay. It just works out best for our whole family that we "roomshare". We all sleep well and enjoy cuddling together on our lazy mornings. Whats so wrong about that??

I know most people today can't wait to get their kids out of their bedroom, but for us, we are just not in the same rush. The kids don't have a problem, and we don't have a problem, so why is there such a big deal from anyone else in the world? Do they think we will be sleeping with a roomful of teenagers?? Will I move my children's spouses in with us?? My oldest kid is only 5, they are still so little! The first time my realtor came to see the house (before we did it up), she loved that we all shared a room bc she shared with all 12 of her family members as a child as well and she still looks back at those times very fondly. I feel like that is how our kids will view it as well. They are growing up so fast and I know it will be the blink of an eye and they will be grown up and I will be missing all these moments-so I am going to appreciate/enjoy every precious moment I can of my babies while they are still "mine". I am going to fall asleep listening to their little content sighs and snores as they sleep and I will continue to be blissfully happy that we are two of "those parents"...at least for now.

P.s. I gotta admit with this whole house showing thing though, that it is one big pain in the arse to move the mattress back and forth between rooms at night. lol But whatever! its all worth it in the end!!

Its been a while...

Life is very different since last time I wrote. I am now buying my grandmother's house and we are selling our house, which is just INSANITY! Plus I am trying to homeschool. And I am taking a SUPER hard class (Anatomy and physiology) And I try to take the kids on lots of field trips/acitivities. And drive my dad around everywhere bc he can't drive bc of his diabetes/eyes. The list could go on and on.*Sigh* I feel like life is so crazy right now that I am not enjoying it much at all, and I hate that. Life is such a gift, but I am letting it get the best of me.

To amend all this, we are hoping for some big changes and soon! First of all, we are hoping that all our hard work with the house will pay off for us very, very, very soon. I have been praying about this a lot-its so hard for me to have the house looking show-ready with 5 little kids living here. And Caden is on a mission to make sure the toilet never works for a showing (we will be calling a real plumber tomorrow morning). Anyways, we had two people see the house today and the 2nd one was a little family (with 2 kids) that stayed almost half an hour. Thats a good sign, since the other people all stayed less then 10 minutes! And no, we don't know that from stalking the house.....we just magically know it. ;)

Secondly (is that a word?) I have done some major soul searching this last few weeks, and although I applied to nursing school, I have decided that I cannot go to nursing school anytime soon. I fight with this a lot, bc nursing school is something I want to do for myself, but I really think I am supposed to dedicate all my time and energies to the kids right now. This last couple months of schooling has been so stressful and I feel like the kids are the ones losing out in the end, especially Caden. Caden needs some additional molding as he gets older...it seems like he goes through one horrible phase after another, but I know in the end, he could make good use out of that fiery personality of his. I just need to lead him in the right direction with his energy. I have been so stressed about everything (especially about nursing school stuff), but once I made this decision based on the best interest of our family, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest.... Well okay, ONE of the weights had been lifted, still got a couple more with this house stuff!

Anyways, I want the new house (my grandma's house) to symbolize a new life for us. I want to learn more spiritually, as well as raise/teach the kids more spiritually, and I want the kids to enjoy a simple, joyous, and most importantly FUN life. I want to really focus all my energies on living the life our family was meant to live. I feel like we have gotten sidetracked many times along the way in the last 12 years, but that we are finally heading in the right direction with everything.

One thing we have started that I have really enjoyed with the kids is their prayer time. We always thank God for something and then express our other desires/hopes. Kylie keeps thanking God for the 4 babies he is going to grow in her tummy when she gets married to her prince!! lol how cute is that! Elise is always asking if we can sell our house so we can move. And Caden asks God for his train table at Meme's (my grandmother's house). Guess we have to work a little bit on prayer time, BUT I am happy that the kids feel so strongly that God and Gram and Meme are right there, watching over them and listening to them 24/7. I wish I had that kind of peaceful content when I was younger!

Well thats it for now I guess. One funny thing I have to mention is how RANDOM Elise is. She really cracks me up/makes my day on the craziest of days. We will be traveling in the van after a stressful morning and she will randomly ask "mommy, do ponies like carrots?" or some other totally, simliarly minded random question. Her mind is always working I guess!! As crazy as life is right now (and today was absolutely insane) I am so grateful for all the changes that are coming our way. We are so lucky to have God leading us in such a bright direction!

You never realize how good life was 4 months ago....

In the last 4 months, we have now lost 2 much loved grandparents in our family (Doug's gram, followed by my grandma just recently-the kids' Meme) and it has certainly made me realize how good life was 6 months aog when our grandparents were alive and enjoying their great granchildren. I am so numbed by death lately-especially with dealing with two prominent matriarchs of our prospective families. Now my family is fighting like crazy over money and selling my Grandma's house asap (not even 3 weeks after her death) and Doug's family is fighting as well, since they don't have Gran to help heal the rifts. Life was so carefree 6 months ag0-I just feel mentally exhausted having to talk of death and Heaven with the kids every day this last 4 months. And I am sad that the kids don't have any great grandparents left that loved them the way their Great Gram and Meme did. :( I used to complain about holidays and how much I hated having to to everyone's house/make everyone happy...and now we don't have anyone's house to to go this year and its a sad, empty feeling. :/ Too bad I never realize these kinds of life lessons until its too late.

Crazy last month

I started my class and its pretty challenging on top of everything else I have going on. I did well on the first exam though, and I have been doing well actually practicing phlebotomy on my fellow classmates. Just haven't had much/if any fun time for myself-I am so tired by the time bedtime comes around and nights like tonight, I am SUPPOSED to be studying for tomorrow's exam. Just so tired and overwhelmed by it all though, just bc there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much material I need to know by tomorrow and I feel like my brain is spent today. Doug has been working nonstop and I have hardly seen him, and he will be back home tomorrow AFTER my exam. I don't know when else I have to study but now, but like I said-my brain is just done tonight and everything I read/write/try to study is just not going anywhere. I wish Doug had a normal schedule on days like this. I am exhausted doing the "single parent" thing so much of the week. *sigh*

In other news, Doug and I will be making a stupid, frivulous purchase tomorrow, in buying one of those electric faux fireplace heaters for our living room. I think it will be wonderful to have the fake fireplace going, as well as the additional heat, so hopefully we can turn down the gas heat and not have to pay 400/month like we normally do in the winter. We are using the money from my inheritance from Grandma though, so its royally pissing off my dad bc he wants me to put it in CD"s. I found out that my sister and brother aren't getting hounded about the CD"s like I am-figures I am the only sucker! I am still putting 1750 away for a CD, so he should be happy. All I want is a 300 heater/fake fireplace to decorate my living room/make it feel cozier.

Oh, and lastly...I think I am going crazy. I have been feeling "kicks" occasionally and I am 99% sure I am not pregnant (although I would love to be). My temperatures are AWFUL (for charting gurus), so thats how I know I am almost postiively not pregnant, but sometimes I will lay down and I will swear I feel fluttering and moving around off and on. *shaking head* I guess thats what I get for dealing with all the stress I do-I start making things up in my head and my body!!??!!

SO I guess I should get back to studying-at least for another hour before I get a few hours sleep and the whole day starts once more. Hopefully my exam goes better then I think it will (maybe by some miracle, I will start absorbing some of these disorders/tests I need to know for every body system-I am just so stressed about it right now!

Missing Gram

Doug's Gram was an influential person in our lives. She made me feel like an award winning mom and she talked about my children (her great granchildren) as if they were the best, most special, smartest and most beautiful children in the world. Going to her house was always a pickmeup, no matter how horrible the day had been going before. She was very different from my family (especially my own grandmother) I miss having that kind of positive influence in my life now. I really miss her and I miss feeling good about my parenting/and my kids.

Lately, I have been having quite a few more down days, and my family doesn't help bc they have been badmouthing homeschooling from the beginning. The latest comment was that I might excel with my new phlebotomy journey, but I would fail my children and their education in the end. Added to the fact that the kids have been so mean to each other lately, fighting like crazy, and running around like crazies, combined with Caden calling us "naughty names" to get a rise out of us (bobo and furball being two of them). Well with all that, sometimes I wonder if I am failing at being a good parent?? Why are some of our days SOOOO difficult? If Gram was here, she would give me the confidence I so need at these tough times, but instead I am just trying to do the best I can. It just seems as if everybody is talking behind my back about it all (actually I KNOW some "friends" are, as well as almost my whole family). Just having a very discouraged day I guess. I miss you Gram (as does Doug, Kylie, Elise, Caden, Gavin and Rylan)-you were such a special person in our lives and we are all missing your positive influence. Hopefully we are on the right path in life and you are there guiding us and smiling down proudly at us.

STRESSED

Lots of things to think about and my first class for phlebotomy is tomorrow night-I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nervous about it. Hope that I can be a good student again and that I can do the clinical stuff well also(life finding veins and drawing blood). I just have to remind myself that this is the first step of MANY to become a nurse! Just wish I wasn't so darn nervous-hoping that after the first class, I will feel WAY less anxious about it all. *deep breaths*

Oh, and this weekend, I emailed my old college about their nursing program (they are well known in the area for it). Hopefully hear back from someone soon. Going to see how much work it would take to switch my B.A. to a B.S. in nursing (no doubt it will cost quite a bit of money and at least 2 years of schooling). If I did decide to go there and I could find a way to fund it, it would make me pretty marketable once I graduated!! Plus I LOVE that college!! :)

Our kindergarten homeschool journey will commence next Monday. I am excited about that, but have to admit that I feel a little pang of sadness at times when I see everyone's first day of Kindergarten pics (I think I might have mentioned that before). I just don't want Kylie to miss out on any really special memories, but I know that right now, this is the best choice educationally for her at this time anyways. Its so hard to be a parent sometimes!!!